Owen Valentine 
If any of you are like me, you can relate to saying phrases like “It’s my first time living too” and “Please be really nice to me” ALL of the time. Whether it be a misquoted joke, a tumble down the stairs, or even a new beat met with underseved harsh criticisms from Jon Hogg, sometimes it can feel like everyone is counting you out. I, however, know that I am very smart, kind, funny, and talented, so I am going to explain why everyone should show me unabashed kindness and forgiveness, no matter how foolish I act.
Firstly, everyone makes mistakes. I never let anyone know what my next move is, so often I find myself at the forefront of failure and verbal lashings. I think that the next time I make a mistake, everyone should tell me that I probably meant to do that, and celebrate me as successful. For example, if I were to hit my friend Jon Hogg by complete accident, everyone should tell me that he deserved it and start attacking or berating him. Maybe say something like “You are very short, and you don’t have an internship,” then afterward they could tell me how smart and funny I am. This leads me to my next point, everyone needs to stop talking about internships around me. Surprisingly enough, I do not have a SWE internship lined up for Summer 2026. Therefore, whenever anyone talks about my summer plans for this year, I often feel cornered and bullied. That’s not fair to me at all. If you talk to me about something boring or something I don’t like, I actually take it as a very rude insult, and I move you down in my friend ranking chart.
Secondly, I know I can be a fool. A wise man once said, “With great ignorance, comes great whimsy.” Since I am such a whimsical person, I find myself exchanging an intelligent perspective with one for laughs and freemindedness. This works in a lot of cases, but when things are serious, it can fall flat. If everyone always understands what I mean, then we can avoid a lot of pitfalls that lead to me feeling targetted. I almost always have good intentions, unless someone is being mean to me, so people should know that any time I say anything, that it is the perfect thing to say at that moment. For example, if you were to tell me that your Grandfather is getting sicker, and you don’t know how many days are left with him, I would be allowed to not pay attention and ask if you saw the new Mr. Bro video, the one where all the Mr. Beast brothers get together and spin a wheel to decide prizes/challenges/punishments. If I did that, that would be COMPLETELY okay, and you would already assume that I meant the best and then you could answer if you have seen the new video yet. Obviously, if you haven’t seen the new video yet then we would sit down in watch it, but only if I wanted to.
Lastly, it is good to be kind to everyone and give them forgiveness. There’s this little figure who’s father is a carpenter, who’s mother’s name is Mary, and who always thought that we should teach forgiveness to others. Ever heard of him? Yes, his name is Owen Valentine. When you are nice and empathetic to people, it feels great for every party. I would know, because I am one of the kindest people you will ever meet. Because I am so kind, I feel like that there should be some reciprocation in kindness for others, otherwise that wouldn’t be fair at all. If I don’t get anything out of doing something, I shouldn’t even do it in the first place. So, I believe that everyone should care how I feel because it will make everyone feel great.
Some may say, “But Owen, why should we care about how you feel? If something is benefiting everyone except yourself, why should we make an exception for you?” Oh wow, I can’t believe you would say something like that. That is not nice at all. For example, if everyone in the world wants to kill me for NO reason, and then everyone kills me, isn’t that benefitting everyone except for myself? Murder is not okay, and it would probably hurt a lot. Just because something benefits everyone, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. The same thing goes for being rude to me. Whenever you don’t understand my joke, don’t compliment my outfit, or do something like slowly walk me off the sidewalk (you know where like every other step I have to walk on the curb or like the side spot of the pavement where it meets the grass, and then eventually I’m fully, like completely walking on the grass and it’s like “Hey look at Owen, he’s walking on the grass and not on the sidewalk, he’s clearly not involved in the conversation.” Which, by the way, why would you assume that. I actually love walking on the grass it’s very nice, especially when it’s not muddy), it’s equal to taking a metaphorical gun and blowing my metaphorical brains all out on the metaphorical sidewalk.
In conclusion, I think everyone should be nice to me because if you aren’t, it feels like you are trying to murder me.
Antics of the Sheepherd | A Short Story